DionRabouin.com (sort of)

AshleyMadison.com is the greatest thing ever!

Are you in a bad marriage? Been trying to cheat on your spouse or significant other, but don’t know how to get started? Do you feel like you could deal with your fat, ugly, loud, obnoxious, overbearing or generally unattractive partner if only you had a sweet piece of ass on the side? Well now there’s a solution: Ashley Madison.

No, this is not a joke. There is seriously a site now in existence that caters exclusively to people that are married or in serious committed relationships who want to have an affair, without all the regrettable stickiness that generally comes with philandering. I’m serious, go to AshleyMadison.com right now. I will promote this website and I will do it for free.

For a scant $250 Ashley Madison and her crack team of compatibility experts guarantee (yes, there’s a guarantee) that they will find you someone to have an affair with. If they don’t find you someone to poke on the side, you get a full refund. There are about 576,123 restrictions on the “guarantee” that make it pretty much impossible to actually get your money back, but that’s not what’s important.

What is important is the unparalleled genius of this site. Instead of the traditional photo of a happy, white couple holding hands, the Ashley Madison website features a woman with her dress strap hanging from her shoulder, on her knees in front of a man who is standing shirtless about to insert himself. And that’s not even the best part.

Ashley Madison is now featuring a “Cash for Chunkers” program. In the “Cash for Chunkers” program, prospects can sign up and view other members looking to have an affair in their area for FREE (for a limited time only, of course).

Does it get better? Does a manifestation of the decadence of American culture and morality get more acute or poignant? If Ashley Madison were here right now, I would kiss her. Apparently the agency has made so much money, they were going to buy a spot on the Super Bowl, but were rejected. Another example of the hypocrisy of rhetoric versus reality in this country, but that’s another discussion for another day.

In addition to all the things the existence of this service and it’s popularity says about our culture (I saw the ad on Fox News during The O’Reilly Factor of all places), this is just a good business idea. Anyone thinking of having an affair is probably going to do it anyway and now there’s an easy and (relatively) cheap way to do it. I’m so happy about this service I could squeal. I think I’m going to see if they’re in need of any able-bodied young men to satisfy the unhappy housewives in their clientele.

Greatest. Thing. Ever.

Oh and their tag line? “Life is short. Have an affair.”

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