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Blogging the SAG Awards

Blogging the SAG Awards

8:02 – Everyone is shown coming in. Blah, blah, blah. Wait a minute. James Earl Jones has a white woman? I’ll be damned.

8:03 – What is Angie wearing? Is that a burlap sack? It looks like a burlap sack.

8:04 – Opening montage. Tom Cavanaugh? I’ve seen this guy on Scrubs and yeah, he’s an actor, but why is he on the opening of SAG Awards? I imdb’d him and just as I thought, he’s done nothing of consequence. I’m perplexed.

8:05 – Jenna Fisher looks really hot. Like really, really hot. I’ve got to start watching “The Office” again.

8:09 – Tina Fey wins for best actress in a comedy. Tina Fey makes an amazingly clever strike joke! “Mommy, what do you mean you don’t get residuals for this?”.I’ve always loved Tina Fey. Poignant and brilliant Touche, madam. Touche.

8:13 – Alec Baldwin wins for best actor in a drama. Two observations – I love that Alec Baldwin is there with his “rude little pig” of a daughter and I love that Grizz from “30 Rock” is sitting between Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey. I think that’s his real name: Grizz.

8:22 – Starship Troopers makes it into one of these tribute movie montages. Yes!

8:23 – Claire Danes is up to present. Claire Danes. I love Claire Danes. I will always love Claire Danes. Someone is gonna talk her into a “My So-Called Life” reunion one of these days. One of these days.

8:27 – “30 Rock” wins again and Jane Krakowski makes a Calista Flockhart joke. Harsh. I used this joke at the Golden Globes, but I’ll make it again: 30 Rock wins so much, the Yankees are scared to play ‘em.

8:31 – They’re announcing the nominations for Best Actress. Taraji P Henson looks good for 38. Very good. I love plastic surgery. I honestly don’t think she was even that good. Oh shit! Kate Winslet wins again. And she’s hyperventilating again. Kate, we get it. You love acting and you take the craft very seriously. We get it. We really, really, get it. Everyone. Gets it.

8:41 – Hugh Laurie wins for best actor in a drama. Has anyone else noticed that every episode of “House” is the exact same thing? No? Just me? OK.

8:44 – Amy Poehler and John Krasinki present the award for best actress in a tv show. Amy Poehler is so unbelievably talented. It’s absolutely mesmerizing to watch her eyes. She’s so good with her eyes. She could read the ingredients on a box of cereal and I think I’d burst out laughing. I’m glad Sally Field won, though. She’s actually really good on that show. She looks really good for 62. I love plastic surgery.

8:48 – Emile Hersh, James Franco and some other guy are presenting “Milk.” Does Emile Hersh know how to read? I really like Emile Hersh, I think he’s talented, but what was that? Isn’t he supposed to be a professional actor? Don’t actors read lines? Isn’t that what they do? That was abysmal. Abysmal in the most abysmal sense of the word. I kind of feel like someone should slap him after he walks off stage. “You get paid millions of dollars to act, you sloppy ingrate! Suck it up and read the lines!”

9:03 – Forrest Whitaker is feting James Earl Jones for his lifetime achievement award. I still can’t believe James has a white woman.

9:08 – Props to Rod Serling!

9:11 – The James Earl Jones tribute ends without even a mention of “The Sandlot.” Absolutely inexcusable. That film was a classic. His part as Mr. Mertle made that film. Made it. I’m sending a letter.

9:14 – James Earl finishes his speech by toasting Paul Newman. Classy. It must be amazing for Forrest Whitaker to walk off stage with James Earl Jones. Props to Forrest.

9:20 – The made-for-TV movie “CoCo Chanel” was nominated for an award? Really? At least it didn’t win. There is a God.

9:23 – Laura Linney wins for best actress in a tv movie. I really like Laura Linney. Dimples! Unlike most people at this award show she seems like a real person. DIMPLES!

9:24 – Amy Adams and Viola Davis present “Doubt.” When did Amy Adams get so fat? Seriously. Didn’t she use to be hot? I think not wearing any make-up for “Doubt” stimulated her appetite and clouded her judgment. Like, she spent so much time knowing the she was ugly and not being able to do anything about it, that when she had to be hot again she wasn’t sure what to do. Ugh.

9:32 – The tribute to actors who died this year just ended. The one thing I will say I like about these things is it helps you remember who died this year. I find myself saying, “Oh yeah,” about every other minute.

9:34 – TNT takes a moment to showcase it’s crap-tacular Monday lineup. Eric McCormack will always be gay to me. I don’t care that in real life he’s straight or what other roles he plays, in my mind he will always be a homo. I know he’s a professional actor, he’s made a shit ton of money playing Will and he probably has sex with way more girls than I ever will, but he’ll always be gay in my mind and that’s gotta eat at him, just a little.

9:39 – The nominees for supporting actor in a drama are announced. Everyone knows who is going to win. What I can’t get around is why and how Downey got nominated for “Tropic Thunder.” It was a decent movie and he was decent in it, but that was it. I don’t get it. It was a stupid comedy role, he played a stupid comedy part and now he’s been nominated for a Globe, SAG and an Oscar. What is wrong with these people?

9:40 – Heath Ledger wins. Gary Oldman accepts. The room gives a standing ovation.

9:44 – Taraji P Henson and Brad Pitt present “Banjamin Button.” Taraji looks GOOD. Did I mention that Taraji looks good. Damn. She’s 38! 38!! Taraji looks good. I’m gonna watch the Jamie Foxx video right now.

9:53 – Meryl Streep wins best supporting actress. Props to Meryl Streep. It always amazes me how excited people get about the SAG awards. I mean really, of all the awards, they mean absolutely the least. Let’s be serious, no one is getting over the $25 million hump because of a SAG.

9:58 – Sean Penn wins best actor. I called it. Just when I thought Sean Penn was going to try to be funny and not get preachy, there he goes…His wife is still gorgeous. I’m going to watch “The Princess Bride” as soon as this is over.

10:01 – Sir Anthony Hopkins is gonna bring this thing home. And bring it home, he will. Holy shit! Slumdog Millionaire wins. And all these amazing Indian actors who no one will ever see or care about again go onstage for their moment in the sun. We’ll probably see at least a few of them in impossibly shitty movies attempting to cultivate a career in American cinema in a couple short months and then they will be gone from our collective consciousness forever. But for now, I hope they live it up. Go them! Yay Slumdog Millionaire!

All in all, a solid night for overpaid pretty faces. I’m kidding. But seriously, it’s nice to see that these people care so much about what they do.

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