DionRabouin.com (sort of)

Bad kissers

Monday, April 2, 2007 at 12:57pm
Last night at the hot tub I was discussing with a friend of mine how awful it is when a girl is a bad kisser. I believe, without question, that I have kissed some of the world’s absolute worst kissers. Perhaps there are others out there who believe that they’ve had it worse than me and if so I’d love to hear (read) your stories of unfortunate kissing situations. I would like to add that being drunk is absolutely no excuse for terrible kissing. I understand that when intoxicated we may not be as coordinated as we would normally be, but the experiences I’m about to relay to you are inexcusable. I couldn’t think of one single experience that trumped the rest so here are a few examples of what I’m talking about:

1. The fish – Have you ever seen a fish in a tank that looks like it’s gasping for air? The way the fish opens and closes its mouth repeatedly — I’m not actually sure if it has anything to do with inhaling oxygen or not — for whatever purpose. A girl did that to my face. I use face in place of mouth because she didn’t focus her efforts solely on my lips, where it would be inferred that kissing would happen, this mouth lapping happened to my chin and a little bit of my nose. What made it that much worse was the rapidity with which she did it, I couldn’t even keep up. And she just kept doing it, opening and closing her mouth at a voracious pace until we stopped kissing and then she came back in for more. It was like she was in a race to see how many times she could open and close her mouth before her jaw started hurting. She was sober.

2. The face eater – I once had my face eaten by this girl who, for whatever reason, seemed to think that it was really hot to open her mouth as wide as possible and fit as much of my face in as possible. This wouldn’t have been quite so awful, save for the fact that she was biting me while she did it. While she was holding her mouth open, like she was at the dentist or something, she was shoving her tongue down my throat and darting it around like a hummingbird looking for nectar. I tried closing my mouth so I could just kiss her softly, like a peck or something, but she wasn’t having it, she just proceeded to hack away at my cheeks. I’m really not sure what was worse, the fact that she bit me all over my face or the fact that she assaulted the inside of my mouth with her barbaric tongue. This has happened to me more than once.

3. The mouth closed slip in the tonguer – This has happened to me twice, but the first time was in 8th grade so it was forgivable. The second time, however, was with a girl who can legally marry in the United States and that is not OK. I don’t know if there are others, or if I’ve somehow managed to find the only two people on the planet who do this, but it needs to end. Typically when I start kissing a girl I open things up with my lips pressed together and then eventually we’ll open our mouths and get into the tongue kissing thing, however these people seem to think that those two processes are one in the same. They are not. Instead of opening their mouths to use their tongue they just stick their tongue through their pursed lips and wiggle it around. I can’t even begin to explain how disgusting this feels. Not to mention, what am I supposed to do with that? The only way to kiss someone who’s doing this is to do the exact same thing. Their mouth is closed so you can’t stick your tongue in and their tongue is sticking through their lips so what are you supposed to do? If there was no one on the other side of the kiss it would look like that thing kids do when they stick their tongues out at one another to taunt each other.

These are just a few examples of the hardships I’ve endured while trying to share a simple kiss with someone I probably met moments earlier. A kiss doesn’t have to be romantic or sensual, but it certainly shouldn’t be disgusting, and that is what I felt after kissing these ladies, disgust. This isn’t even the full extent of my bad kissing stories. There was the girl who kept licking the bottom of my bottom lip — and only the bottom of my bottom lip –, there were the girls (notice plural) with the horrendous darty tongues that they moved in and out of my mouth as if they were looking for the last piece of a bread crumb I ate half an hour ago. There were the girls (notice plural again) who think a kiss should feel like your mouth is locked in a bear trap. I could go on and on, but I won’t.

The entire point of this entire diatribe is that maybe, just maybe ,when we meet a bad kisser and we kiss them we should let them know that they are in fact a bad kisser. When I was 17 a girl I made out with told me that a 13 year old girl (who she had also just made out with) kissed better than I did. Since then I have made strides to improve my kissing technique and I’d like to think that I’ve become better at it. Because let’s face it, there’s nothing worse than a bad kisser.


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